by a heavy doll

I woke up at 3 pm today. Just how silly I am. To prove how tired I was. I thought today will be just another boring Saturday just like past Saturdays I had before. But it wasn't. Because we had our conversation, because I dared myself to say hi to you and you started the conversation.

I saw you. When I went to donate my blood but I didn't dare to say hi. Because I was angry. I never tell anyone that I was angry at you. Well, I did jokingly. You probably didn't realise it. So, did I.

We were closer before the two of you did. As far as I know.

I was stupid for not hitting on you. I thought you will. So I waited but you went to her.

I saw you not because you were noisy. I lied. I noticed you just when you were filling the form, when you came in to the room. I saw you with your bold spectacles, and I said to myself "He's here too.."

I took a glimpse at you and smile. For your 'mind your own business attitude'. You were always like that.

Ever since I always took a glimpse at you. I always did. It's just you never know.

I saw you sitting near me and my friend saw your eyes staring at me. I didn't noticed because I was so scared of being alone there. Of having my blood took out from me. I wished you would talk to me but you never did. You were so awkward and I know you wanted to say something but it can never come out of your mouth. It will never because you told me "I am quiet too".

I saw you and I caught you looking at me and I stared at your eyes. We didn't smile at each other. It was like there were only the two of us and we were looking at each other. And I took that opportunity to look straight to your eyes. Because I see future inside it. But it wasn't my future. It is hers.

I saw you eating with her. I bite my lips. I was so stupid for having that feelings. Why did I feel this heart-ache? This jealousy? I was eating alone and she's eating with you. Why God gave her that opportunity? She's the worst person and her attitude can never make you happy. But I had a deep thought to myself. It was her that you've been looking for all these while, I should be happy for you. And I did. With heavy heart, I let her tell everyone that you are hers.

You told me "You look so pale that day... I saw you ... On the blood donation... I guess you didn't see me..." I sighed. If only you know that I saw you. And wished that you would cheer me up that moment. But it was too late to ask you to do so. And I don't have the right to ask you to cheer me up because you are not mine. you are hers.

You asked me "Did you went to the event last night? I didn't see you anywhere..." I sighed. If only I know you would look me for me out of many people. They told me you were sitting next to her. So I asked you jokingly "You were sitting with her? I am so jealous.." And you answered. "What to get jealous for? Go find someone to sit next to you..." And you know my answer. "It is not that easy..."

You said "I think I am hideous.." when I tell you that there are many girls around here that fancied you because you are so handsome. I laughed to myself. And I said "I also think so.. TAN.." And you didn't argue about it. And I like that attitude. But to me, you are so special. You said that guy was so handsome and far handsome than you are because he's skin is crystal white. And you asked me who would I choose out of TAN and WHITE, and I said jokingly another guy's name. You said good things about that guy except that you include a 'but' after that long praises. Like this "Really Macho.. Tall, dark and handsome, really organised.. but...." And I know it already. That he is gay. I was just saying his name out loud to tease you.

I wanted to tell you before we end our conversation. "i said he's handsome.. not that i mean it.. you are far special than him.. only if you understand i was only teasing you.."

But I realised it just when I was about to press enter.. There's no point of me saying that, because you are her boyfriend. And I am her friend.

If only I can tell you. That you are no more a stranger to me, WL.

the good day's

I believe everyone remembers pretty well about the root of their love story: where it came from and how it got started. Girls for most part would mark their storyline in remembrance, honor, recollection and tribute.

Every Saturday morning about two years ago, I would dress myself up in a yellow tee to a three hours duration volunteer period in my school. I could not do anything much besides following the rules with my enlarged tee, although yellow is never my favourite colour, I would still need to push myself to fulfill the community credits requirements in order to graduate from high school. If I am able to remember anything in yellow, that would be a giant yellow snake, curled up like a sausage I saw in the zoo last time. There I was in school volunteering, and it was my first time meeting Jeffrey L.

Nothing much really happened at the moment. We did not really talk much because both of us were guarding at different sections. I was a hallway monitor for the whole second floor with some guy friends of Jeffrey's that I became close with in the end, but I could not recall about his whereabouts.

Two years ago again, I remembered taking a summer course in Jeffrey's current school for the whole month of July. There he was and his silly friend, who came over for two days or so, behaving pretty absurd as I thought - nothing but just lingering around the school area especially during the summer time. They were not apart of the summer school program that was going on, but I have to confess I had good times filling up my hours with a friend of his, and him of course, who kept me accompany for two days during my lunch time. They brought me to a travel tour around the school building as well as the school's neighbourhood. Jeffrey and I didn't talk much, for I knew he has someone already in his life for I have my own life as well at the point.

Rolling ahead for two years during the early fall, a friend of his personally invited me to Jeffrey's farewell party. Well, it was not really an official goodbye event to begin with, but it was just to celebrate his last stay in Markham. His friend, told me he was indecision to move up north, about a twenty minutes drive from his old place. I could not make it to the farewell at that point, because I remembered that I have a photo shoot appointment to attend to with one of my photographers elsewhere. Instead of rejecting the invitation to his friend, I sent Jeffrey a short memo, excusing myself from the event. Our first one on one conversation started this way.

I got mad for the longest time last summer before reaching Ontario University Fair together with the boys. None of them were acting like a gentleman to offer me a ride. That included some of Jeffrey's friends I am close with and recognized from volunteering, and himself alone. I ended up figuring out my own ride on a sunny 28'C summer, thanks to the guys! Not mention, I was cursing and swearing in my mind. If I have chance to get back to Shakespeare's era, I would have stabbed those boys with MacBeth's dagger and replaced their death instead of poor Romeo and Juilet. I was indeed very mad.

The fair went well, I got a lot of information that I needed for my future career and the university I am planning to go. Most of them were about the course requirements, the overall average and so on. One of his friends suggested karaoke for the day after. Although it would be my second time karaoking, I would not want myself to be excluded from the "entertainment world" - my first time was bad enough though, I struggled with reading some Chinese words and putting them in tune. So I pleaded more people to join for the upcoming one. Almost all of them went, including Jeffrey who still thinks karaoking is a waste of time. Or, he went because he fell for my puppy face when I asked him to go [': just kidding!

The day after OUF has arrived. On that morning, I was attending a nutritional talk in church by one of the dietitians. Jeffrey offered me a ride then, but too bad the talk was still holding for quite some time. Someone offered me a ride.. like finally? :) It became kinda awkward when the person who sort of hosted the event ended up at the venue 2 hours late. I remembered having a conversation with Jeffrey outside the karaoke bar. His personality gave me a kick. He seems pretty shy.. but polite at the same time. I never knew he bahaves this way even knowing him for quite some time. What a gentleman as I thought :) A bunch of us went for all you can eat hot pot somewhere around an Asian plaza. I was alone in his car then, since one of his friends was driving his new girl, and other guys hopped into someone else's car. I felt awkward.

The feeling became worst when he drove me home. We talked, but the conversations were somewhat not related to anything that has to do with both of us. He was shy, i guess it was a part of a person's personality, or maybe it was the fact that both of us have nothing in common. As he dropped me, I wished him goodbye, but no hugs whatsoever. Yes, one word explains it all - awkward.

We text each other very often ever since the group hang out. I thought he was a sweetheart. I get texts from him every morning with smiley emoticons after every sentences. It is just too difficult for someone to stay mad at persons like that in any situations. Just like when you look within Puss in Boot's eyes, the stare and the tearing eyes that make your heart melts. How can you not fall into these little detail? The way he speaks, his messages, his call every night.. he is a indeed sweetheart.

The texts we sent were never about our personal stuff like relationships related and all. I became curious if there was still already someone in his life that his keeping him accompany. So many things can happen in 24 months time, don't you think? There was one time I just could not withstand the relationship we had. At those moments, he was the person I talk to the most and spend half my time with, but what does that mean? One time, I was at a party where I cannot remember if I was drunk, I called him. Maybe I was not drunk at all, because people who are drunk can only remember the last thing they do before passing out is nothing. I finally pulled out my guts to ask what the heck is in my mind and those stupid questions that bothered me for the longest time. I just want to make one thing clear. I asked if he had feelings for me.............

It was his best friend's birthday celebration on the October 16th.. to pool and dinner if I were to recall. Jeff and I had lunch at a vegetarian sushi place which one of his friends personally introduced to him. He respected me and my eating habits, especially knowing that I was a vegetarian from the past 8 months.

hello people!
missing me all this time?
i am so sorry for the disappearance for all this while.
cause u know i'm busy with with working right?

right.. fyi. i stopped my job already.
its too tiring although my pay is like $_$
hehehe. no doubt.. to tired to work.

and you know? chinese new year is like coming in few days time right?
my auntie and cousie bought so many pretty clothes for me in aussie.
somehow i still spend myself for some clothes for cny.
although they bought numbers of it.. i just cant get enough of it.
this is what girl's love right?

what you want me to do?

i am telling you with peace

but you reply me with all your temper

can you just listen once for me

this is all about myself

since you told me that you have your own business

so i decide to do it by myself

just myself

no matter how hard my way will be

at least i decide it by myself

even if i regret for it in the future

but at least i deserve it because i never listen to you

and i dont think i will regret

for what i want

i will try harder so that i will happy for my choice

not your choice

you will never listen to others

but yourself

i am not childish for making this decision

this is what i need to do as my position for her

i know

although there is something offensive

but without her

i am not myself anymore

i swear if i never shout this out

totally will be mad

-the only hope-

a reminder for myself

and why i must did it all the way

i mish u camelia

i mish u camelia.tiz picx since sacha form 4.went we all family go trvel at bali..camelia is ma best fwen mase sacha stay at australia since 2003.mse papa countinue stdy dkt sana..
finnly dpt jumpe dye..hahah..i love you honey

rumah kami

ari ny sacha blik kg..tengok ruma kami yg tk seberapa siap lg..hahaha.mama ckp "tk lama lg siap lh tuh"hahah..

yahoo..!!kelantan mari..!!

ari ny sacha blik kelantan..haha..mish gler na blik kg..!!
besh2 pown..ad BOSAN jgk.!!hahaha..mcm GAMPANG..!!

RUNTIN HARIAN KAMI..hahha:

**bagun pg..makan
**tlg mama cankul ap y ptot
**tlg mama kemas ruma kami
**t.ari..mcm biase mkn
**tido
**maen bola,badbinton..haha..mcm owg bodo jerk..!!
tp cergas ouh..!!!hri2 mcm ny..